The circles that life sometime provides are amazing.
As you read yesterday, things with Bowling Green have ended again. I find myself again at Walker's, in the same spot where I have previously written to her describing a previous trip to Athens, at the same spot where I responded to a seemingly innocent email of five weeks ago asking how I had been, at the same spot where I two weeks ago wrote her an email detailing the minutiae of my very poorly timed departure from Nashville, and at the same spot where I received her break-up email yesterday. Here I am again, reminding myself of what I had really become comfortable with just moments before she emailed a month ago in an attempt to try again...
I'm ok.
Her timing was absolutely horrible in that last night was supposed to be about Gunner. Unfortunately, at times, it was not, and I'm very sorry for those of you who had little choice but to lend a hand in rebuilding me once again. But it is.
And that's just it. It is. I am angry. I am hurt. And I frankly feel betrayed at being asked to trust someone who had hurt me a little bit before at the risk of being hurt worse a second time. I can't imagine that the process of finding a way to mitigate the resulting jerks of the knee and learned reactions to another woman at some point in the future is going to be easy. In fact I know it won't be.
But as much as I am inclined not to trust someone again, as much as I want so badly to draw a negative conclusion about all people (and specifically all women), as much as I want to abandon all hope of ever finding someone who is compatible with me and emotionally capable of managing the quirks and faulty connections between synapses that invariably accompany the difficult process of exposing one's emotional self... It's the wrong thing to do.
Yep, here we go again, recovering from misplaced trust. I want so badly to crawl in a hole and mope about how alone I am and how selfish and untrustworthy all people are... but I won't.
I'll recover. I will jump again, and it's likely that I will miss again. And then I will jump again, all the while hoping that someone out there tells the truth and allows me to do the same without judging me unfairly while sticking around long enough to find out the real truth.
The only other option is far too depressing to think about.
4 comments:
Just remember, the only good thing to come out of KY is Ashley Judd. And she's a damn Wildcats fan, so it's not like she's THAT great.
That being said, you know what I could say, will say at some point in the future, and will say again should all this repeat itself (which, I pray is not the case for you).
Therefore, there's no need to waste space with things you know, but in case I didn't say it last night, it was great to see you again.
"Yep, here we go again, recovering from misplaced trust."
that's the best statement i've ever heard. i'm in the same boat you are right now and everything sucks.
and dont think its all women...b/c i think its all men. ;)
Hey stranger...I agree with galarza on both statements, but from someone who's been guilty of hiding herself away to avoid the possibiity of having to recover yet again...that's not really the place you want to be either.
The thought that keeps me going at times like what you describe. Remember how good it was when it started? You get to do that again! Ending relationships are hard, but starting a new one is pretty much the most exciting thing there is. Oh... and EVERYBODY is an individual... Everyone is different... there are honest ones out there.
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