%$#@ is the worst word that you can say. No, you shouldn't say %$#@. No, you shouldn't say %$#@ - %$#@, no!

I have spent a significant portion of the day doing paperwork. I hate paperwork. I hate paperwork so much that would marry a woman I didn’t love if she could and would do my paperwork. I hate paperwork so much that I wouldn’t be embarrassed to throw a repetitive childlike internet temper tantrum. I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE paperwork. And I don’t want to do it.

So there.

Aaaaaanyway. On a completely unrelated, yet somehow un-bulleted, topic, I was thinking today about how I converse. I decided to make a list of things that someone can say that make me want to disengage immediately from a conversation. I have mentioned some of these before, but that’s life, Billy. When I have a particular response that I would theoretically offer or when something bears explanation, I will include it in italics (which I have always thought, by the way, should be spelled “italix”). When I have a response that I don’t feel like providing, I will include it in invisible text.

For the record, some readers have definitely used these with me before. Don’t worry about it, and don’t wince the next time you do. It just is.

Here we (really me, but play along) go:

- “You know Brett, you and I are a lot alike.”
Me in theory: “Really? Well, I guess that means that I probably already know what you’re about to say. So don’t.”

- “Well, first of all, let me say that I think your song is great, but…”
Me in theory: “No, you don’t. It could be 'ok, but.' It could be 'good, but.' There is no such thing as 'great, but.'" I made up the phrase, but I learned the lesson the hard way from a student I was teaching over ten years ago who said, “as soon as you say ‘but,’ I already know it was bad.” I don’t think I have done that since without intending for the person to whom I was speaking to know that it really wasn’t very good.

- “Brett, I think you’re a great guy.”
Me in theory: “Check, please… and one for the road.”

- “When you enter…..”
Some of you can name the speaker. Think “Alabama.” Think “red nose.” Think “vicariously,” “vitriolic at best, horrendous at worst.” Think the same old intro for half of the band videos you ever sar.

- [I pick up phone. I answer. Twice. I then hear a click and the caller speaks.] “Mr. Bowcome? Yes, Mr. Baughcum. I am calling to…”
Thanks to our congress which wrote a bill that worked for all of two years.

- “What are you eating under there?”

- [insert text before in which speaker tells me something that doesn’t really affect me, speaker takes a quick breath, continues]”… because…” [speaker continues with more drivel, which incidentally is not a type of tool].

- “Today on the 700 Club, they…”
Don’t.

- “So, what’s up with the DOB job at Ge0rgia?”
No offense. Ask when you want to know, but it puts me on auto-pilot. I’ve only been answering the question for 3.5 years. Poor Trina.

And the big winner these days….

- “So, have you sold any songs yet?”
I am too tired of it to explain.