One good reason I am a songwriter

If you read last night’s blog, you know that my washing machine is broken.

I called my brother. He’s the handy type… ya know, likes NASCAR and beer, but not so much Shostakovich or NPR. Anyway, he knows a guy who will “give me the part for cost,” if the problem is what I think it is. He, being a wise soul, told me to take the washing machine apart and see if a belt is loose. If it is, or if I see a dead one, he will get me one “real cheap.” So, I decided tonight to take his advice.

Here are some statistics on my venture.

•Amount of light in the laundry room due to the semi-successful Sauve-B@wcum Dimmer Experiment of The Year 2000: 10-15 lumens, enough to light a small country, namely one in which the primary residents are Ken and Barbie
•Number of washing machines successfully moved to the kitchen: 1
•Number of dogs barking at the noise produced by the process of moving said appliances: 1 or 2… I can’t tell them apart
•Number of garments currently residing in the Matt Tinnell Memorial Sink: 18
•Number of times someone has been kicked out of my house by someone other than me: 1
•Number of times that person was Matt Tinne||: 1
•Number of gallons of water emptied onto the laundry room floor during the moving process: approximately 4.2, minus the .1 used to clean the fork which hadn’t been touched since the Great “Could a Utensil Be Used As a Nail?” Incident of 2001
•Number of literal (not fantasized) screws remaining in aforementioned laundry room: 8
•Number of times the following phrase was uttered in the disassembly process – “That thing won’t pop, no wait, is that supposed to do that?… look, a Tic-Ta… that’s not a Tic-Tac… I wonder if I have any superglue, or gum, that’ll do it, gum… why is the machine tilting 45 degrees to the lef… no right… that was a weird Tic-Tac”: 4
•Number of lighters found in space previously occupied by said washer: 3
•Number of times cranium made violent contact with a then-un-noticed inanimate object: 3
•Number of belts repaired or observed: 1, a leather weave belt I had left from 1999 that I found behind the washer. If you hold it up to your ear, you can hear that tune by the Goo Goo Dolls from “City of Angels.”
•Number of belts repaired or observed that have any sort of pertinence to the functionality of a washing machine: 0
•Number of text messages sent to evoke laughs in the people who will be helping me repair the mess I have made: 2
•Number of times the phrase “What the [insert expletive]?” may be uttered in the re-assembly process by said text message recipients: ∞
•Number of brides, in whose wedding I was best man, who will lament the shape of my kitchen as a result of said attempt: 1
•Number of laughs expressed about then-current predicament: 2
•Number of laughs expressed about potential results of predicament: 13, give or take a little gas