Random time

A little squirt I know sometimes feels then need to tear off all of her clothes and run around naked (Guys, stop now… she doesn’t have a cell phone, she’s not even in school here, and in fact she is 3-years old. If you write something sick about this, I will force you to sing “Billie Jean” at my roast.). This is called “Naked Time.”

With the exception of an episode of somnambulation, which I experienced at the Sherat0n in Philly last year, we don’t so much have naked time at my house these days. What we do have is “Random Time.” And Random Time starts……

right…….






now:


There are two good friends of mine who are making trips to Europe in the next couple of days. I hope I get there some day soon. Until then, please take digital and mental pictures and have the time of your life. Travel safely and Godspeed. I will see you back.

I was having a conversation with one of those friends the other night, and she was telling me about needing to study but having a friend come into town. She was ready to forsake the “A” in favor of spending time with her friend. I believe that’s the way to live.

I am as comfortable with myself right now as I ever remember being.

Benedict Arnold was a traitor…. to occupied colonies that were revolting against their legal government.

I am terrible at spitting. I would be considered much cooler in the more rural parts of the world if I could spit farther, but I can’t. I have to concentrate every time I spit in order to avoid soiling my shirt.

I hate ironing.

You know that eyebrow thing that the wrestler-turned-laughable-actor “The Rock” does? He probably spent time on a stool in front of a mirror with a good friend going, “Ok, ok, well what about this? Too intimidating do you think? Scares the ladies and the children? Well, what if I kinda smi… oh, it’s the other eye. Well…” etc, ad nauseum to get that exactly right. Wow.

I really like lists. But Liszt, I really don’t care for.

I just mis-spelled Liszt as follows: “Listz.” And rather than re-type it, I highlighted the “Z,” cut it, then pasted it between the “S” and the “T.” Mo… and Tr…, tell your European friends about that one. They will hate us more then.

My politics are changing. So I am thinking about starting a new party called the “Kxdwuplmrryhgenjcaqt” Party, pronounced “Kur-rekt.” All of the following letters are silent in the name of the party: xdwplmyhgnjaq. That way only the smart people would join the party…. ooops, that would knock out 90% of the electorate. Never mind. Scratch that. Bad idea. Check, please.

Every time I want a non-water thirst-quenching drink, I have a moral debate in the convenience store. I look at Gatorade with nostalgia for the old one-flavored drink… “your father’s Gatorade” if you will. Then I look at Powerade, and think “Wow, made by Coke, which is a Georgia company. Wasn’t created by UF. There can only be one choice.” Then nostalgia and guilt kick in and I am paralyzed. I don’t think this is the intent of the “thirst quencher” purchase.

As a member of the Grand Jury, I will now require everyone to refer to me as “Jurah.” Example:
Brett: “Hello, ln.”
Ln: “Hello, Jurah.”

I bought that extreme deodorant the other day because Knight doesn’t like it. Then I started thinking of things that will probably never be referred to as extreme. Here we go: crackers, tampons or maxi-pads, vanilla extract, milk, bread, coffee filters, Trapper Keepers, scrunchies, socks, hearing aids, IUD’s, money market accounts, retainers (the orthodontic kind), arterial stints, nail-clippers, matzah, Michael Bolton compilations, Consort, Nice ‘n’ Easy, #2 pencils, combs, and tweezers. I’m sure there are more.

I think the people who bring you Oreo are missing a major opportunity by not packaging that cream filler stuff in tubs minus the black dental hygienist’s nightmare cookie thing. (Editor's note: "Black" here refers to the cookie thing.)

Asterisks are stupid. More stupid is that the plural of “asterisk” is “asterisks.” It should be “astrices.” It isn’t.

Why is a studio apartment called that?

Alex Trebek is doing ads for Colonial Penn. Does he seem like he should be considered a senior citizen? I originally wrote something gross here about Alex and inherent senior male difficulties, but then removed it. “What is ‘too gross to think about?’”

That is all.

Happy Friday!