Err supply

My brother was in his annual training required to maintain his pilot’s license this week. His instructor, a pilot who had formerly been an air traffic controller in Jacksonville, told him a story from his days in Florida. He swears on his life that it is true, and I will now recount it for you as accurately as possible with no apologies for the language or the pilotspeak (which I don’t really understand either).

Bob claims to have been working on a slow day when he received a frantic call from a neophyte aviator.

Pilot: Jac’svl cen’er, Jac’svl cen’r. Cessna 2-5-4, student pilot, student pilot, lost and running low on fuel. Please direct to the nearest runway.

Bob (slow and deliberate, as though he were smoking a Cuban and sipping on a glass of Courvoisier): Cessna 2-5-4 this is Jacksonville Center, you say you’rrrrrre lost?

Pilot: Jac’svl cen’er, Jac’svl cen’r. Cessna 2-5-4, student pilot, student pilot, lost and low on fuel. Please direct to the nearest runway.

Bob (slowly still): Roger, Cessna 2-5-4. Do you see, ah, um, any major roads or interstates around you?

Pilot: Jac’svl cen’er, Jac’svl cen’r. Cessna 2-5-4, student pilot, student pilot. One sec’n.

(ten seconds pass)

Pilot: Jac’svl cen’er, Jac’svl cen’r. Cessna 2-5-4, student pilot, student pilot. I do see what appears to be an interstate below me.

Bob (even more slowly): Roger 2-5-4. 2-5-4, does that interstate run east to west orrrrrr north to south?

(a few seconds tick as the young paduan gets his bearings)

Pilot: Jac’svl cen’er, Jac’svl cen’r. Cessna 2-5-4, student pilot, lost, low on fuel. It appears to run north to south.

Bob: Roger, 2-5-4. I want yoouuu to do something for me.

Pilot: Jac’svle Center, student pilot low on fuel. Go ahead.

Bob: 2-5-4, I want you to get directly over that road and follow it until you see something that resembles a town or city.

Pilot: Jac’svl cen’r. Cessna 2-5-4, student pilot, lost, low on fuel… Roger.

(about one minute passes, as the pilots eyes swayed hither and yon in an attempt to locate a municipality of some type).

Pilot: Jac’svl cen’r. Cessna 2-5-4, student pilot, lost, low on fuel. I have located a town.

Bob: Roger that, 2-5-4. Do you see a water tower anywhere in that town?

Pilot: Jac’svl cen’r. Cessna 2-5-4, student pilot, lost, low on fuel. I see a water tower.

Bob: 2-5-4, I want you to fly down near that water tower and see if there are any woooords written on it.

Pilot: Roger that Jac’svl cen’r. One minute.

(A minute passes, as Bob probably pours another drink.)

Pilot: Jac’svl cen’r. Cessna 2-5-4, student pilot, lost, low on fuel. There is writing on that water tower.

Bob: 2-5-4, would you please read me the wooooords on that water tower?

(a nervous 15 seconds pass)

Pilot: Jac’svl, the words on the water tower read “F&$k You, Class of 1974.”

Bob (Big breath in, big breath out): Ahhhh, I know that one well. You’re in Gainesville, Florida. Turn Right heading 2-7-0. You’ll be at the airport in about five minutes. Have a nice afternoon.