Toenails

I'm sure there is some evolutionary reason why we have them, but I've not found a contemporary use for them.

Let's compare with the numerous uses of fingernails for a moment, shall we? (yes) Fingernails are oh so useful for scratching. One may scratch himself or herself (often to the great dismay of many an onlooking female TV baseball spectator). One may rub the silver off of a lottery ticket in the absence of change. Said absence might be a motivating factor behind purchasing a lottery ticket in the first place. One might choose to scratch a blackboard to annoy one's classroom peers. (Aside: I am convinced that the rise of teen pregnancy and drug use in America's youth is not due to the supposed moral decline of our entertainment media, but rather because the innocent destraction of aggravating one's cohorts by scratching a blackboard is no longer possible thanks to the rise of dry erase boards.) Once can pick scabs, pick eye boogers (carefully), and in dire circumstances use one's fingernail for resistance in popping an unsightly and terribly ornery pimple. Lunch anyone?

Classical guitar players grow their fingernails out and use them to pick their nylon Strings of Love. Girls love this.

In the absence of strong teeth, one might use one's fingernail to open a stubborn canned beverage. One can bite one's fingernails to curb nervousness (you KNOW who you are). Pesky small objects, needles, and not-too-advanced splinters may be secured by the use of one's fingernails.

"Wow!" one might say. "I guess fingernail's can come in really handy!"

Right you are, pupil!

And now let's look at the uses of toenails.

They can be painted. That's pretty much it. So the next time you start feeling all good about yourself, remember, part of you is absolutely useless.

"Now go take on the day!" - Dr. Laura Schlessinger