Tips for a rewarding retail experience

As the title suggests, I spent a portion of my day doing my part to help improve the U.S. Gross Domestic Product. As a part of my never-ending quest to help educate the American Consumer (and I think you are all aware of my extensive history and work in this area), I am providing several tips for you to consider for your next session of retail therapy.

1. When purchasing boxer briefs, check the size before placing said briefs in your shopping cart.
2. Check the size once again, before removing briefs from packaging.
3. Check the size one last time before trying on the briefs for the first time (no, I don’t “try on” my boxer briefs as soon as I get home… or do I?)
4. Males only (ha!): When purchasing a Leann Rimes CD from a brick-and-mortar purveyor of undergoods, be sure that you take the appropriate precautions to prove your masculinity to the attractive female customer service representative. Some recommended precautions might include:
- Make certain that the cashier overhears you discussing a very specific automotive product with another store employee. Don’t ask where the automotive section is, as this would imply that you rarely visit the automotive section, which is the exact opposite of the impression you are attempting to create. Instead, you might let her hear, “I was disappointed to see that you guys don’t carry belt tensioners for the mid-90’s Fords.” She will think you are hot.
- “Pad” your purchase with “non-girly” goods. Buying the Leann Rimes CD itself is not an infraction, unless you can get her to believe that you 1) are buying it for someone else or B) that you have enough masculine qualities to make up for the soft place in your heart for the music of Ms. Rimes (who, I have just been told, is actually not related to Busta. Interesting.).
Examples of things that would be effective “pad items” might include: Any tool that does not appear in “Baby’s First Tool Kit.” (A wrench doesn’t get it done. A drimel tool does.) Any DVD set of fighting-related activities (ie – rastlin’, Ultimate Fighting Championship). Camouflage Gear (hopefully she will be able to see it in your cart). A T-bone. Steel-toe boots.
Examples of things that would not be effective pad items: Feminine Hygiene Products (Best case scenario, she thinks you’re buying all of this for your significant ubbler, which defeats the purpose in the first place). Any album by a Simpson, a Timberlake, a Twain, or God-forbid an Osmond. Anything with Martha Stewart’s name on it. Latex gloves.
- Pretend in whatever clever way that you can that you are buying it for your mother.
5. Do not “sling” the bag containing the eggs into the cargo area of your SUV.
6. It is not customary to “tip” a Walmart employee.
7. Never, ever, ask an employee where you can find the aloe, petroleum jelly, or any type of lubricant other than 10W40.

Happy shopping, America.